Top 10 Worst Films of 2011

Well, the last list I put up of worst films had people getting annoyed at me for reviewing things that I have never seen. I’m pretty sure that list was not a review of anything, but instead me saying I didn’t want anything to do with those films. Well, here’s a list of more films I don’t like, but instead, this time, I’ve seen them. I’m leaving the best films for the next list, we need something happy to get over some of these films.

10. Mars Needs Moms

Everything in this film is freaky. Everything. Not just the martians, no, they at least look cartoony. It’s mostly the people who look freaky. It’s the uncanny valley problem. They look real but not real and it just makes you feel uneasy. This makes just watching the film difficult. Maybe it looked better in 3D, but I doubt it.

But on top of this the actual plot to the film is boring. It’s not terrible, really, it’s just really, really boring. Boring, dull, snoozefest. That’s the entire film. Nothing the characters did made me care. All of those incredibly annoying characters. Don’t get me wrong, if the voice actors were trying to make me hate them all then they did a great job.

Mars Needs Moms also defies physics and biology. I just couldn’t let that slide. Not sure why, I guess I was just picky with this one.

9. Gnomeo & Juliet

I’ll be honest, I was kind of looking forward to this film. Despite the terrible pun in the title, I thought the trailers made it look funny and maybe it could have been a good family film. I certainly went into it with higher reservations than Mars Needs Moms. With such an amazing voice cast I thought it would be passable at a bare minimum.

How wrong I was. This film is completely horrendous. There are two likeable characters in the film (Stephen Merchant and Jason Statham) but with such a wide cast these barely helped. Whilst the animation was fun the jokes were stale and were generally cringe-worthy. There was barely a single funny moment in this entire film and the film tried so hard to make us laugh.

It was upsetting to see this. I wanted to like this film and it is likely this film would not be on my list, but then it seemed to comment on the fact that this is how Romeo & Juliet should have ended like the film did: with a happy ending and a sing song. Sure, the film couldn’t have ended like Romeo & Juliet but the film goes out of its way to say that this is better. I just couldn’t stand that.

8. Your Highness

This film seemed to be going for a Mighty Boosh meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail vibe but completely failed. I love Danny McBride, James Franco and Natalie Portman but this film just showed them refusing to act. Their British accents were terrible and they couldn’t convey more than one emotion at a time.

On top of this the script was horrible. At no point did I laugh. It was extremely unfunny and seemed to be trying its hardest for jokes. Furthermore, the swearing does not fit the setting at all. It just created a massive disconnect between setting and dialogue. I will honestly be happy to never see this film again.

The only reason this film isn’t lower on the list is the fact that I just didn’t find it funny. I think I might not have got it, but it still seemed like it was terrible. Plus, it didn’t make me angry. Unlike the next film...

7. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

This is probably one of the best examples of how to destroy everything from the previous series: take a popular character and give him his own adventure. Well, Puss in Boots, surprisingly, doesn’t look too bad actually, but On Stranger Tides was annoying as hell.

I loved Jack Sparrow. Everyone did. But when he is the sole focus of the movie he just becomes... irritating. Extremely irritating, in fact. When he took the forefront there seemed to be no characters around him serious enough to make his kooky actions funny.

The plot was also terrible. A lot of people have a go at At World’s End but that was just boring, not stupid. This just seemed completely phones in and didn’t have enough likeable characters to push it on.

6. Battle: Los Angeles

This one I can get over with quickly: dull characters, dull plot, crap CGI, camera was too shaky, I didn’t care about anyone, the cinematography was awful and it was incredibly forgettable.

I wonder if the Asylum version was any better...

5. Almighty Thor

Speaking of the Asylum, look at this travesty. Whilst most don’t expect anything from the Asylum, I do believe they are capable of making good films. Such as Sherlock Holmes... That might be it, actually. Thing is, though, is that I don’t expect complete crap from them like I used to. They could have made this rip-off good. But it wasn’t.

Probably the worst thing about this film was that everybody was detestable. I hated everyone in that movie. I couldn’t care less if they anyone survived or not, or even if the hero or the villain survived. The acting is awful and this really doesn’t help with liking anyone.

One of the few saving graces of this film is that the effects were laughably awful. However, the plot is terrible and the characters are dull. Keep far away.

4. Hop

Hop is one of the worst Christmas films ever made. Yes, you may think this is a film about the Easter Bunny and was set in Easter and released in Easter has to do with Easter. But it doesn’t. It’s a Christmas film.

Let’s see: sleigh, check; operation run by millions to get presents to children, check; trying to a non-believing character to believe, check. Yeah, there are more elements, but I really don’t want to spend too much time on this film. Just be aware of one thing: Easter films will NEVER become a thing.

EB, the main character, is annoying. The guy with him is annoying. The only good things about this film are Hugh Laurie and a 4^th wall breaking joke near the end. Oh, and David Hasselhoff. He’s awesome no matter what.

3. Beastly

Well, this is the first film that I hate. No, not just hate, I detest. I wish to see this film, and the next two, get completely wiped off the face of this planet.

I love Beauty and the Beast, so of course this film interested me as it’s a modern retelling of that fairy tale. But of course I was disappointed. Turns out this film takes everything that was great about Beauty and the Beast and gets rid of it.

But this isn’t the big problem with the film. The biggest problem is the characters and the relations between them. The two leads have an impossibly contrived relationship which just makes you think the guy is an arsehole. In fact, he goes from ‘kind of a dick’ to ‘utterly despicable’. At no point is he charming or likeable, but the film pretty much tells us he is likeable, so we have to. Venessa Hudgens is just bland as hell.

Whilst Neil Patrick Harris could have helped improve this film, his talent was wasted and anything he did inject wouldn’t have saved this film. Especially the ending. Well, the next film has a disappointing ending but no likeable actors to try and save it.

2. Sucker Punch

Holy crap this film made me angry. This film just offended me in every way possible. It started off amazing. I was really into it for the first 5 or 10 minutes. The cinematography was great, the soundtrack was great and the style of storytelling was great. Then it all began to fall apart...

For the rest of this film I sat there wondering what any of the visuals had to do with anything. I have pondered this many times. And I have come to a conclusion: Zack Snyder wanted women to be dressed in sexy clothing but he wanted to get away with it, so tried his hand at making art.

That is all this film is. It’s just scantily clad women with bits of ‘plot’ in the middle. But none of it goes anywhere. It just seems like Zack Snyder had a few ideas for video games, but only came up with one scene for each, so put them together and made some shit up about a burlesque house and a mental asylum to tie it all together. It was a mess.

And then he has the balls to call it art. Well, let me be a little vulgar here: Fuck you, Snyder.

In almost every way a disappointment (apart from the opening of course, but this just made the rest of the film more disappointment) I thought this would be my most hated film for the entire year. I’m pretty angry just writing about it.

But then I watched:

1. Anuvahood

Anuvahood is possibly one of the worst excuses for a film to ever exist. At every single point in this film I was not happy. I couldn’t laugh. I liked one character in this entire dog turd and they even ruined him by making him a dick. The plot is non-existant. The acting is even less so. The directing was terrible.

I was just angry at this film. It gave me absolutely nothing to be happy about. I didn’t have high expectations going into this movie but even expecting it to be a pile of crap would be giving this film too much credit. I have no words to properly describe my rage at this film other than what I have already put. This film is detestable, despicable and is only outdone on unfunny humour by Freddy Got Fingered. And that’s only by a gnat’s wing! Don't see this film unless you want to lose hope in humanity.

Top 5 Best Films I Didn’t See in 2011

Sometimes you see that there’s a film in the cinema that looks like something you’d really like. Sadly, due to budgetary constraints or pure lethargy you just don’t end up going. Then you need to wait until the DVD gets released or it is shown on TV before you actually see it and you end up kicking yourself for missing the theatrical release.

This is a list for those films.

5. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

When I worked in a book shop I saw this book everywhere and it never really interested me. I heard it got made into a film and I didn’t care. Then it got remade and released just two years later and I still didn’t care. Then I saw the theatrical trailer for the remake.

This film looks like an action-packed film filled with intelligence. These seem so hard to come by today, and sometimes that’s a good thing. Commando wouldn’t have been any good if it decided to spend time on the plot rather than the action. But The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo just looks like David Fincher’s directing brings intelligence and action together so beautifully.

I love the style of the film, the action and the conversations between the characters already. All of this and I haven’t even seen the film yet.

4. Bridesmaids

Bridesmaids just looks hilarious. There’s no doubting that at all. The trailer alone is hilarious. And sometimes that is all you want from a film. Bridesmaids certainly looks like it delivered.

When I first heard of the film, though, I was against it. I just put it down because it looks so damn girly. I need to learn to not do this, because I am certain there’s stuff in there for the guys as well.

Well, that’s that film: it looks hilarious. Not sure if I expect it to be any more than that, but if it was to deliver I would love it.

3. Captain America: The First Avenger

God damn it Marvel films have been good this year. I was apprehensive about Thor, even though I already loved both Iron Man films, which I found out were in the same film universe as Thor. Yet it turned out to be a great film. So I checked out Captain America and it looked great. Brilliant, in fact. I had to see it. But of course, I didn’t.

Captain America looks to be another great origin story of a popular super hero, just like the other Marvel films. Whilst I doubt it will be better than Iron Man it still looks great and well worth a watch. It seems to have a good amount of action as well as honouring the comic books.

Especially after all the hiccups with previous iterations of Captain America this film could still, easily, be terrible. But there’s something about it that just looks great. You can tell a lot of effort was put into this film to get it just right.

Also, look at Red Skull. He looks so cool.

2. West is West

I love East is East. In fact, most people I know at least like the film. It’s a great look into how another culture operates without laughing at them but instead with them. Not only that but it felt like you knew everyone in that film. They all felt so familiar, as if it was someone who lived within your community, just down the street. So when I found out there was a sequel I was overjoyed.

Then I found out I had just missed it.

West is West looks like it captures the vision of East is East and looks to be an extremely funny comedy. This time, however, rather than just looking at the family within the community it will be in their home of Pakistan, introducing us to their traditions.

Hopefully this film did everything the original did and more to get the tone just right and give us a funny film that had a heart behind it.

1. Hugo

Did you see the trailer? Did you? No? Well watch it. Seriously, this film looks great. The rest of the films on this list I’m sure I’d like, but I’m not sure if they would go into my Top 10 Films of 2011 list. This film would, no doubt. It looks simply wonderful.

Everything about this film looked great. The acting of everyone, Christopher Lee!, the style of the film, how crisp the film looks, the setting, Ben Kingsley!, the visuals, the effects, Sacha Baron Cohen! I need to see this film. Apparently in 3D. I’ve heard the 3D is amazing, even if you don’t like 3D it’s good.

Well, it seems I need to go see this film at some point and- Wait, Hugo has a robot in it?! Awesome!

Top 5 Worst Films I Didn’t See in 2011

I like terrible movies. They are often hilarious and so great to riff on with friends. But there are some films out there that are so terrible that I don’t even want to admit their existence. I can tell just from looking at them, just from their titles, that these films will be terrible and that if I saw them I would probably beg that I live in a completed sense-deprived existence throughout my life and afterlife without having to see or hear anything from these films.

These are those films I didn’t see in 2011, but I know are awful.

5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’m surprised this film isn’t closer to being number 1, but with some of the rest of the films on this list I think you might be able to forgive me. Now, I absolutely hate the Transformers films. The first one made me so angry during the film that people refused to watch the second one with me because of how angry I got. I didn’t think the second one could be any worse but it turned out to be one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life. Thankfully, I get a feeling that maybe Transformers: Dark of the Moon might be better than the second one. Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it will be awful.

This film, as well as the rest of them, feature awful looking CGI, terrible acting, terrible characterisation and racial stereotypes. This I got for Dark of the Moon just from the trailers and hearing about a character called ‘Deep Wang’. Yeah, just let that set in for a minute.

Michael Bay: stop making these films. I’ve heard that there’s a possibility of more of them coming along but STOP IT! Seriously, I think you might just about piss everyone off so much that your films will never get seen again.

4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

I was excited for this movie when I heard about it originally. The plot sounds balls to the walls insane and for that, I felt, I would love it as much as New Moon, which is possibly one of the best comedies ever conceived. But yeah, that word: conceived... Ahem.

Turns out Bella and Edward have a kid, causing the film to talk about the ultra-serious manner of abortion. Twilight, that is to say TWILIGHT, is taking on the issue of abortion. I can only see this turning out horribly. The creators of the films and Stephenie Meyer herself are not qualified to do such a thing. This turns those films that I would happily laugh at for not understanding how people work into a film where I am horrified that it doesn’t understand how people work.

And if anything, it must be a shining pile of excrement if people who love the previous films, due to having no Y chromosome and being drawn in by shirtless men, say that this film wasn’t good.

3. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

This series demonstrates what I should have done with the Transformers movies: keep far, far away. I have so far refused to watch any of the films in this series and thank God I have. Chipwrecked just looks terrifyingly bad.

For one: why, Jason Lee? WHY?! I mean, I can forgive you being a Scientologist, it’s not your fault they suckered you in but this? Actually: these?! Apparently he’s been in all of them and I can’t understand why. The voices are annoying, the songs are not only ones I hate but also performed terribly, and every character looks like they are completely despicable. Who would want to see this?

Ah, wait, kids. Yeah, sorry, forgot this was meant to be a kid’s film. Surely I should let it slide for that! Well, no, no I will not. This looks horrible and I feel I am a better person for having never seen it, though watching the trailer was pushing it a little.

2. Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Another kid’s film that looks rubbish. I saw the first two as a kid and I think I might have liked them. Not that it really seems to matter if you saw any of those because this looks like it has nothing to do with them other than spies and kids. Oh, and the girl from the originals is there at some point, but I doubt she has anything to do with the plot.

But there are a variety of things wrong with how this film looks besides it looking like crap. We have terrible effects, kids who are both annoying and bad at acting, ‘spy-baby’, some awful looking robot dog (why, Ricky Gervais?) and time puns. But it gets worse.

See, this film was released in GLORIOUS 4D!!!! Which basically means you get a scratch and sniff card that, allegedly, does not work all the time, as well as quite a few of them just being farts. Yeah, that gimmick isn’t going to kick off any time soon.

1. The Smurfs

Well, I wasn’t really looking forward to this film when I saw it was going to come out. The time for the Smurfs is over. There’s no way we can bring them back, either in their previous setting or, God forbid, a new, funky modern setting. Or, say, New York. 

Yeah, this film just seems to fail at almost every point. Even in the trailer Neil Patrick Harris (WHY?! You can do better!) seems to make fun of the film as if to say “That’s right, movie-going audience. This is a huge pile of faeces and we know it!” 

The word ‘Smurf’ is surprisingly over-used in the trailer too, even for the Smurfs, almost to the point where it seems rude. In fact, if you do see this film try swapping the word ‘Smurf’ for any swear word and I bet you this film would turn into a 15 or 18 rated film within the first ten minutes. At least, that’s what I get from it.

The film just looks disastrously bad and any joke they tried to make fell flat with me. But it got worse for me. Something seemed off about the trailer so I watched it again. I noticed something: It includes elements of a lot of my most hated films of the year. I won’t say them here so as not to spoil them for my Worst Films of 2011 list, but we have small creatures playing Guitar Hero, small creatures which should be within green areas running around a city and Neil Patrick Harris in a bad film. Plus it reminds me of the Alvin and the Chipmunks films.

It just rubs me the wrong way. Plus, Harrison Ford ripped the head off a Smurf on Conan O'Brien.

Yeah, this film is probably awful.

Gerry (2002)

Speeches often begin with thanks to people around you. This review will not start that way. It will start with something quite different: apologies.

Firstly, I apologise to all of my friends who have heard me incessantly bitch about this film. I have been unrelenting in my bitching about this film and I only saw it a couple of days ago. 

I also want to apologise to a very specific friend, my housemate Chris. He had to sit through this film with me. I am very sorry I brought this film to your attention and had you sit through it. This was very mean of me.

Lastly, I want to apologise not on my behalf but on behalf of the director of this film, Gus Van Sant and everyone involved in it. This apology is for David Coughlin and Raffi Kodikian. This film is based upon the torment and horrors they went through when lost in the desert of southern New Mexico and it in no way does it justice. Nor does it handle the fact that Coughlin was killed by his friend very well.

Now to get on with the review itself. You may notice my negative tone regarding this film. Well, this is because Gerry is possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen. It is boring and dull. So boring and dull that the only way I can accurately describe the film is “People walk for a bit through the desert and then one of them kills the other.” That’s it. The entire plot to the film. I don’t think I need to dwell on the plot much.

But the real horrors of this film come from the fact that it is shot in such an aggressively dull manner. There is usually nothing on screen for the majority of the film. Mostly the characters are shoved into the background somewhere so we can look at the exciting browns and slightly lighter browns of the desert. Furthermore, the shots of this film usually go on for around 5 minutes at a time. One exciting shot is that of the characters walking slowly through some salt flats for 7 minutes. That’s it. Nothing else.

Not only this but Casey Affleck and Matt Damon are terrible in this film. Their dialogue is dull and often has little to do with the plot. At the beginning they are going towards “the thing at the end of the trail” before they decide “Fuck the thing!” I don’t know what this thing is and nor do I care. We then have a long story from Affleck about how he owned Thebes once in a game. The amount you will hear “um” or “er” or a pause during this make sure you don’t care about what he is saying, nor do you want to hear him talk any more.

Oh, actually, the plot does have one complication. Let’s go back to the plot! The greatest complication in this film comes from when Affleck gets stuck on a rock. He could easily slide down it, but instead opts to waste our time whilst Damon moves some rocks out of the way so he can jump down. This lasts for about 4 or 5 minutes. It may have been longer but I think I slipped into a coma somewhere along the way as my brain decided to shut down from lack of input.

I don’t really have much else to say about this film. It’s dull, boring and makes you hate yourself and every single person around you for existing in a world where Gerry exists. Don’t watch it. Stay far away from it. It isn’t worth your time nor is it worth the $3.5 million dollars it took to make the film. In fact, it isn’t even worth this crappy little review. Why did I write it then...?

Final Verdict: 0/10

Gears of War 3

Reviewed Platform: Xbox 360

Other Platforms: None

Gears of War has been ridiculed as a series by some. Some have perceived it as a bland cover-based shooter (conveniently) strewn in chest high walls with a lack of story, bland characters and far too much testosterone – in fact, so much so that the characters look like their muscles are growing muscles and that even Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando would be considered some spindly pussy in this universe. Well... screw you! I love these games. I have enjoyed the story which, though not amazingly in depth, is still enjoyable and the actual game mechanics allow for great gameplay (though any criticisms with the game being visually dark I’ll have to agree with).

Due to this I expect you aren’t going to be surprised that I thought Gears of War 3 was amazing. This game has an amazing story, great gameplay and some surprisingly bright, colourful and beautiful scenery.

The story of GoW3 is the final chapter in the series. 18 months after the sinking of Jacinto at the end of GoW2 everything seems even more apocalyptic than before. The COG has disbanded and has done its own thing to protect survivors. The game follows Delta Squad as they attempt to finally rid the world of the Lambent and Locust threat to the survivors.

All facets of this story work amazingly well. The story is surprisingly complex and in depth compared to the other GoW games and it allows us to have more of an understanding for the characters before everything went tits up. Not only this, we get to know more about the characters feelings for each other and the world is expanded upon more so. When something happens to the characters or the world around them you feel it. This is called “investment” and it’s hard to not be invested in the characters.

On top of this we have amazing gameplay. The shooting is as solid (if you’ve played any of the other games in the series you will know how the shooting handles) as usual but now we have even more weapons, some of which (like the Retro Lancer) seem to work in a narrative aspect, showing what the world has now become. All the weapons from before have been tweaked and tuned up so they now work even better than before, such as the Hammerburst, which now has an ironsight mode.

Alongside the campaign itself we also have two extra modes: Horde mode, continued from GoW2, and Beast mode. Horde mode works in a similar way to how it did before, but now you get to upgrade the defences around you to stand a better chance against the coming horde of Locusts. These include barbed wire, turrets and even a mech suit. When we go into Beast mode we have this exact same set up: COG soldiers trying to hold out against a Locust horde and building up defences to fend them off. But this has one small twist: you are the Locust horde. Ever wondered what it’s like to be a Ticker, a Boomer or even a Berserker? Well, here you go! And it’s all awesome. That’s the only way to describe it, except maybe “awesome” should be fully capitalised. Here we go. It’s AWESOME! That’s better.

There are a few problems with the game, for sure. Some of the Lambent aren’t entirely satisfying to fight against as when they die they just explode, not giving you the satisfaction of running up to them and removing their head with your boot. There’s also an enemy type, the Digger, who just makes using cover almost useless as he sends an explosive underneath it to get you and it’s rather annoying. That’s pretty much all I can think of, though.

I highly recommend this game to everyone. It is simply amazing. Throughout it you will be having fun gunning down Locust and here or there you’ll probably feel something. It’s a great way to finish off the games and well worth any money you pay for it.

Final Verdict: 10/10

Stacking

Reviewed Platform: XBLA

Other Platforms: PSN

Dear Lee Petty: you are a genius. When Tim Schafer split Double Fine into four teams during the development of Brütal Legend you came up with the idea for Stacking and here it is. When you saw your daughter playing with those matryoshka dolls and thought “these could be everything needed in an adventure game” you were spot on. Thank you.

As I have just said, Stacking is an adventure game, as well as a puzzle game, based around matryoshka dolls. These dolls have their own little world, set during an industrial revolution filled with steam trains, top hats and zeppelins. You are Charlie Blackmore, the smallest doll in the word, and all of your family have been taken from you by an evil industrialist, The Baron. Now you set forth to set free all of your family and bring down the tyrannical Baron.

Yes, that plot sounds extremely simple and sounds exactly the same as every plot that involved an evil baron, who probably has a twirly moustache, and industrialism. To be honest this is exactly how the plot is. But Double Fine’s trademark humour is placed all over this game, be it high brow subtlety or low brow fart jokes; it’s all over the place. You are guaranteed to laugh. It’s got humour for everyone.

But where the game really comes into its own is in design and gameplay. You solve puzzles by jumping inside, or stacking into, other dolls and controlling them. This brings up all sorts of questions revolving around what happens when you are inside them (Is this normal? Is the doll aware of what is happening to it?) but these questions don’t matter, it’s all whimsy and fun. In doing this you get to use their ability, which allows you to solve puzzles.

These puzzles are solved using a variety of dolls, either in combination with each other or just using one of them. But unlike most adventure games there are many different ways to solve a puzzle. The game encourages you to try different tactics and allows you to retry the puzzle until you have completed all solutions. This makes the game almost obsessive, as you want to complete it in all of the different ways, but it still remains extremely fun.

Everything about this game has a feeling of heart about it. It feels like the game was a labour of love, that the developers had fun making the game and designing every single aspect. The game looks wonderful, set in a world that seems like it is built from what was found in your child’s room and what could be found in a random cupboard somewhere. Every doll has a surprisingly large amount of detail to it, especially so when looking at the faces of dolls.

The cutscenes look fantastic and have fun animation with some funny moments.

But not all of this is fun and whimsy. Yes, it has that exterior, but when you look deeper into the game it is somewhat dark. There’s a constant undertone of not just child labour but child slavery. When we get to the final level things get even darker when all of the children are tricked to go onto a train, which has a sign that initially reads “FUNFERALL” has letters fall off to spell “FUN ERA L” which I honestly found a bit creepy. Then there’s some creepy as hell clown.

The game all comes to an amazing crescendo of puzzle solving and a final battle against The Baron: an epic game of Rock Paper Scissors. Seriously, that’s the endgame. But not any normal game of Rock Paper Scissors. No, you take control of one of three types of doll: one with a rock, one with paper and one with scissors. You use these to destroy the dolls The Baron is in. So, basically you are KILLING THE INNOCENT DOLLS THE BARON IS POSSESSING! What the hell, Double Fine?! But I guess we’re not meant to think of it to that level...

Nonetheless, this game is extremely fun, fairly challenging and a treat to look at. If you do decide to get this game I am certain you will enjoy it and see the love the developers put into creating this game. But I hope you can get past some of the ethical implications of Charlie’s actions. I could... just about... *shudder*

Final Verdict: 9/10