Top 5 Worst Films I Didn’t See in 2011

I like terrible movies. They are often hilarious and so great to riff on with friends. But there are some films out there that are so terrible that I don’t even want to admit their existence. I can tell just from looking at them, just from their titles, that these films will be terrible and that if I saw them I would probably beg that I live in a completed sense-deprived existence throughout my life and afterlife without having to see or hear anything from these films.

These are those films I didn’t see in 2011, but I know are awful.

5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’m surprised this film isn’t closer to being number 1, but with some of the rest of the films on this list I think you might be able to forgive me. Now, I absolutely hate the Transformers films. The first one made me so angry during the film that people refused to watch the second one with me because of how angry I got. I didn’t think the second one could be any worse but it turned out to be one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life. Thankfully, I get a feeling that maybe Transformers: Dark of the Moon might be better than the second one. Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it will be awful.

This film, as well as the rest of them, feature awful looking CGI, terrible acting, terrible characterisation and racial stereotypes. This I got for Dark of the Moon just from the trailers and hearing about a character called ‘Deep Wang’. Yeah, just let that set in for a minute.

Michael Bay: stop making these films. I’ve heard that there’s a possibility of more of them coming along but STOP IT! Seriously, I think you might just about piss everyone off so much that your films will never get seen again.

4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

I was excited for this movie when I heard about it originally. The plot sounds balls to the walls insane and for that, I felt, I would love it as much as New Moon, which is possibly one of the best comedies ever conceived. But yeah, that word: conceived... Ahem.

Turns out Bella and Edward have a kid, causing the film to talk about the ultra-serious manner of abortion. Twilight, that is to say TWILIGHT, is taking on the issue of abortion. I can only see this turning out horribly. The creators of the films and Stephenie Meyer herself are not qualified to do such a thing. This turns those films that I would happily laugh at for not understanding how people work into a film where I am horrified that it doesn’t understand how people work.

And if anything, it must be a shining pile of excrement if people who love the previous films, due to having no Y chromosome and being drawn in by shirtless men, say that this film wasn’t good.

3. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

This series demonstrates what I should have done with the Transformers movies: keep far, far away. I have so far refused to watch any of the films in this series and thank God I have. Chipwrecked just looks terrifyingly bad.

For one: why, Jason Lee? WHY?! I mean, I can forgive you being a Scientologist, it’s not your fault they suckered you in but this? Actually: these?! Apparently he’s been in all of them and I can’t understand why. The voices are annoying, the songs are not only ones I hate but also performed terribly, and every character looks like they are completely despicable. Who would want to see this?

Ah, wait, kids. Yeah, sorry, forgot this was meant to be a kid’s film. Surely I should let it slide for that! Well, no, no I will not. This looks horrible and I feel I am a better person for having never seen it, though watching the trailer was pushing it a little.

2. Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Another kid’s film that looks rubbish. I saw the first two as a kid and I think I might have liked them. Not that it really seems to matter if you saw any of those because this looks like it has nothing to do with them other than spies and kids. Oh, and the girl from the originals is there at some point, but I doubt she has anything to do with the plot.

But there are a variety of things wrong with how this film looks besides it looking like crap. We have terrible effects, kids who are both annoying and bad at acting, ‘spy-baby’, some awful looking robot dog (why, Ricky Gervais?) and time puns. But it gets worse.

See, this film was released in GLORIOUS 4D!!!! Which basically means you get a scratch and sniff card that, allegedly, does not work all the time, as well as quite a few of them just being farts. Yeah, that gimmick isn’t going to kick off any time soon.

1. The Smurfs

Well, I wasn’t really looking forward to this film when I saw it was going to come out. The time for the Smurfs is over. There’s no way we can bring them back, either in their previous setting or, God forbid, a new, funky modern setting. Or, say, New York. 

Yeah, this film just seems to fail at almost every point. Even in the trailer Neil Patrick Harris (WHY?! You can do better!) seems to make fun of the film as if to say “That’s right, movie-going audience. This is a huge pile of faeces and we know it!” 

The word ‘Smurf’ is surprisingly over-used in the trailer too, even for the Smurfs, almost to the point where it seems rude. In fact, if you do see this film try swapping the word ‘Smurf’ for any swear word and I bet you this film would turn into a 15 or 18 rated film within the first ten minutes. At least, that’s what I get from it.

The film just looks disastrously bad and any joke they tried to make fell flat with me. But it got worse for me. Something seemed off about the trailer so I watched it again. I noticed something: It includes elements of a lot of my most hated films of the year. I won’t say them here so as not to spoil them for my Worst Films of 2011 list, but we have small creatures playing Guitar Hero, small creatures which should be within green areas running around a city and Neil Patrick Harris in a bad film. Plus it reminds me of the Alvin and the Chipmunks films.

It just rubs me the wrong way. Plus, Harrison Ford ripped the head off a Smurf on Conan O'Brien.

Yeah, this film is probably awful.

Gerry (2002)

Speeches often begin with thanks to people around you. This review will not start that way. It will start with something quite different: apologies.

Firstly, I apologise to all of my friends who have heard me incessantly bitch about this film. I have been unrelenting in my bitching about this film and I only saw it a couple of days ago. 

I also want to apologise to a very specific friend, my housemate Chris. He had to sit through this film with me. I am very sorry I brought this film to your attention and had you sit through it. This was very mean of me.

Lastly, I want to apologise not on my behalf but on behalf of the director of this film, Gus Van Sant and everyone involved in it. This apology is for David Coughlin and Raffi Kodikian. This film is based upon the torment and horrors they went through when lost in the desert of southern New Mexico and it in no way does it justice. Nor does it handle the fact that Coughlin was killed by his friend very well.

Now to get on with the review itself. You may notice my negative tone regarding this film. Well, this is because Gerry is possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen. It is boring and dull. So boring and dull that the only way I can accurately describe the film is “People walk for a bit through the desert and then one of them kills the other.” That’s it. The entire plot to the film. I don’t think I need to dwell on the plot much.

But the real horrors of this film come from the fact that it is shot in such an aggressively dull manner. There is usually nothing on screen for the majority of the film. Mostly the characters are shoved into the background somewhere so we can look at the exciting browns and slightly lighter browns of the desert. Furthermore, the shots of this film usually go on for around 5 minutes at a time. One exciting shot is that of the characters walking slowly through some salt flats for 7 minutes. That’s it. Nothing else.

Not only this but Casey Affleck and Matt Damon are terrible in this film. Their dialogue is dull and often has little to do with the plot. At the beginning they are going towards “the thing at the end of the trail” before they decide “Fuck the thing!” I don’t know what this thing is and nor do I care. We then have a long story from Affleck about how he owned Thebes once in a game. The amount you will hear “um” or “er” or a pause during this make sure you don’t care about what he is saying, nor do you want to hear him talk any more.

Oh, actually, the plot does have one complication. Let’s go back to the plot! The greatest complication in this film comes from when Affleck gets stuck on a rock. He could easily slide down it, but instead opts to waste our time whilst Damon moves some rocks out of the way so he can jump down. This lasts for about 4 or 5 minutes. It may have been longer but I think I slipped into a coma somewhere along the way as my brain decided to shut down from lack of input.

I don’t really have much else to say about this film. It’s dull, boring and makes you hate yourself and every single person around you for existing in a world where Gerry exists. Don’t watch it. Stay far away from it. It isn’t worth your time nor is it worth the $3.5 million dollars it took to make the film. In fact, it isn’t even worth this crappy little review. Why did I write it then...?

Final Verdict: 0/10

Gears of War 3

Reviewed Platform: Xbox 360

Other Platforms: None

Gears of War has been ridiculed as a series by some. Some have perceived it as a bland cover-based shooter (conveniently) strewn in chest high walls with a lack of story, bland characters and far too much testosterone – in fact, so much so that the characters look like their muscles are growing muscles and that even Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando would be considered some spindly pussy in this universe. Well... screw you! I love these games. I have enjoyed the story which, though not amazingly in depth, is still enjoyable and the actual game mechanics allow for great gameplay (though any criticisms with the game being visually dark I’ll have to agree with).

Due to this I expect you aren’t going to be surprised that I thought Gears of War 3 was amazing. This game has an amazing story, great gameplay and some surprisingly bright, colourful and beautiful scenery.

The story of GoW3 is the final chapter in the series. 18 months after the sinking of Jacinto at the end of GoW2 everything seems even more apocalyptic than before. The COG has disbanded and has done its own thing to protect survivors. The game follows Delta Squad as they attempt to finally rid the world of the Lambent and Locust threat to the survivors.

All facets of this story work amazingly well. The story is surprisingly complex and in depth compared to the other GoW games and it allows us to have more of an understanding for the characters before everything went tits up. Not only this, we get to know more about the characters feelings for each other and the world is expanded upon more so. When something happens to the characters or the world around them you feel it. This is called “investment” and it’s hard to not be invested in the characters.

On top of this we have amazing gameplay. The shooting is as solid (if you’ve played any of the other games in the series you will know how the shooting handles) as usual but now we have even more weapons, some of which (like the Retro Lancer) seem to work in a narrative aspect, showing what the world has now become. All the weapons from before have been tweaked and tuned up so they now work even better than before, such as the Hammerburst, which now has an ironsight mode.

Alongside the campaign itself we also have two extra modes: Horde mode, continued from GoW2, and Beast mode. Horde mode works in a similar way to how it did before, but now you get to upgrade the defences around you to stand a better chance against the coming horde of Locusts. These include barbed wire, turrets and even a mech suit. When we go into Beast mode we have this exact same set up: COG soldiers trying to hold out against a Locust horde and building up defences to fend them off. But this has one small twist: you are the Locust horde. Ever wondered what it’s like to be a Ticker, a Boomer or even a Berserker? Well, here you go! And it’s all awesome. That’s the only way to describe it, except maybe “awesome” should be fully capitalised. Here we go. It’s AWESOME! That’s better.

There are a few problems with the game, for sure. Some of the Lambent aren’t entirely satisfying to fight against as when they die they just explode, not giving you the satisfaction of running up to them and removing their head with your boot. There’s also an enemy type, the Digger, who just makes using cover almost useless as he sends an explosive underneath it to get you and it’s rather annoying. That’s pretty much all I can think of, though.

I highly recommend this game to everyone. It is simply amazing. Throughout it you will be having fun gunning down Locust and here or there you’ll probably feel something. It’s a great way to finish off the games and well worth any money you pay for it.

Final Verdict: 10/10

Stacking

Reviewed Platform: XBLA

Other Platforms: PSN

Dear Lee Petty: you are a genius. When Tim Schafer split Double Fine into four teams during the development of Brütal Legend you came up with the idea for Stacking and here it is. When you saw your daughter playing with those matryoshka dolls and thought “these could be everything needed in an adventure game” you were spot on. Thank you.

As I have just said, Stacking is an adventure game, as well as a puzzle game, based around matryoshka dolls. These dolls have their own little world, set during an industrial revolution filled with steam trains, top hats and zeppelins. You are Charlie Blackmore, the smallest doll in the word, and all of your family have been taken from you by an evil industrialist, The Baron. Now you set forth to set free all of your family and bring down the tyrannical Baron.

Yes, that plot sounds extremely simple and sounds exactly the same as every plot that involved an evil baron, who probably has a twirly moustache, and industrialism. To be honest this is exactly how the plot is. But Double Fine’s trademark humour is placed all over this game, be it high brow subtlety or low brow fart jokes; it’s all over the place. You are guaranteed to laugh. It’s got humour for everyone.

But where the game really comes into its own is in design and gameplay. You solve puzzles by jumping inside, or stacking into, other dolls and controlling them. This brings up all sorts of questions revolving around what happens when you are inside them (Is this normal? Is the doll aware of what is happening to it?) but these questions don’t matter, it’s all whimsy and fun. In doing this you get to use their ability, which allows you to solve puzzles.

These puzzles are solved using a variety of dolls, either in combination with each other or just using one of them. But unlike most adventure games there are many different ways to solve a puzzle. The game encourages you to try different tactics and allows you to retry the puzzle until you have completed all solutions. This makes the game almost obsessive, as you want to complete it in all of the different ways, but it still remains extremely fun.

Everything about this game has a feeling of heart about it. It feels like the game was a labour of love, that the developers had fun making the game and designing every single aspect. The game looks wonderful, set in a world that seems like it is built from what was found in your child’s room and what could be found in a random cupboard somewhere. Every doll has a surprisingly large amount of detail to it, especially so when looking at the faces of dolls.

The cutscenes look fantastic and have fun animation with some funny moments.

But not all of this is fun and whimsy. Yes, it has that exterior, but when you look deeper into the game it is somewhat dark. There’s a constant undertone of not just child labour but child slavery. When we get to the final level things get even darker when all of the children are tricked to go onto a train, which has a sign that initially reads “FUNFERALL” has letters fall off to spell “FUN ERA L” which I honestly found a bit creepy. Then there’s some creepy as hell clown.

The game all comes to an amazing crescendo of puzzle solving and a final battle against The Baron: an epic game of Rock Paper Scissors. Seriously, that’s the endgame. But not any normal game of Rock Paper Scissors. No, you take control of one of three types of doll: one with a rock, one with paper and one with scissors. You use these to destroy the dolls The Baron is in. So, basically you are KILLING THE INNOCENT DOLLS THE BARON IS POSSESSING! What the hell, Double Fine?! But I guess we’re not meant to think of it to that level...

Nonetheless, this game is extremely fun, fairly challenging and a treat to look at. If you do decide to get this game I am certain you will enjoy it and see the love the developers put into creating this game. But I hope you can get past some of the ethical implications of Charlie’s actions. I could... just about... *shudder*

Final Verdict: 9/10

Singularity

Reviewed Platform: Xbox 360

Other Platforms: PS3, PC

In the past I have wondered “Why are there so many games out there that are playable but have such bad storylines?” When I say playable I don’t necessarily mean good gameplay, I just mean gameplay that is enjoyable. Wet was like this. I despise the game, but it was alright to play. Same goes for the 2008 iteration of Prince of Persia. But I can’t actually think of a game that had a good storyline but I hated every second I played it.

Well, that was until Singularity, which has one of the most interesting storylines I’ve played recently yet with gameplay that just pissed me off. See, the story involves time travel. I’m a sucker for time travel. I just find time travel extremely interesting. I love things like Chaos theory, which is exactly what this game deals with.

The main character, Renko, accidently alters time right at the beginning of the game by saving someone in 1955 who turns out to now rule the world in 2010. And it is ALL YOUR FAULT! You spend the rest of the game attempting to right your wrongs whilst everything around you attempts to kill you. If this was a film it would probably be pretty good, and I recommend watching any Let’s Plays that are around on the internet.

I say watch the Let’s Plays because then you wouldn’t have to play the game. At the heart of a game is the gameplay. It’s what sets apart video games from other forms of media: interactivity. But it all feels so lacklustre, so is no fun to play.

The shooting is possibly the least fun part of the game. For an FPS that is just inexcusable. When shooting the enemies it doesn’t feel like your shots are actually connecting. You can unload half a clip into a normal soldier and he will shrug it off. Don’t the developers realise that bullets don’t just tickle. They kill you.

It gets even more annoying when shooting the mutants. Rarely does it looks like the shots are actually having an effect on the enemy. They just keeping running at your to tear your to shreds when they get nearby. And boy do they tear you to shreds!

Forget the size of your life bar. It’s pretty much useless to think that all of those dashes next to each other show you having a lot of health. When any enemy hits you your health will go down fairly quickly. The only ways to get your health back are through stimpacks, which give you health straight away (but are very rare), or health packs, which are everywhere. I admire them for using health packs in an age when it’s all about the regenerative health. However, the animation for using a health pack takes up so much time and within that time you can still keep getting shot, meaning that using one just delays your death.

But nothing takes down your health more than the Phase Ticks. Fuck these things. Seriously. Fuck them. If Phase Ticks ever became real I would devote my entire life to hunting down every single one of the bastards and making them pay. What these things do is run right at you and explode, kind of like the Tickers from Gears of War 2. Unlike the Tickers, though, you have no time to react to them. They are tiny and hard to shoot. And when they come along there is a lot of them, and I mean a LOT! When you first see them you are guaranteed to die over and over until you realise how you are meant to beat them: run, hide, and try to blast them.

On top of all of this terrible gameplay we have something that just slightly bugs me: a lack of subtitles. Now, hear me out on this one. There are some audio issues in this game. There are a few game that have this issue and the issue is that if you turn to face away from the person talking you can barely hear what they are saying. Hell, you have audio logs everywhere which you need to stand right next to, facing the audio log, hoping some evil thing doesn’t come behind you to shank you up. They never do, but you still keep turning around just in case. Subtitles would solve this issue. Also, it’s equal rights: helping the hard of hearing (though I’ll admit I just want them because I like listening to music when gaming).

The TMPis pretty cool, but using it in combat is rare, unless it's against Phase Ticks!

All of this builds up to a surprisingly great finale, which the game really doesn’t deserve. In this section the gameplay doesn’t feel too bad because it is all fast paced, so you are concentrating more on living than the terrible controls. That is, at least, until the actual endings, which all seem pretty rushed, two being more of an epilogue than anything. One of these endings is somewhat fitting, it just didn’t seem like a great conclusion to this game.

So, like I said, go see a Let’s Play of the game. It will probably look good, but that’s because someone else is playing it. Yes, the game is very pretty and the story is very good, but when you sit down and play Singularity it just doesn’t feel fun at all.

Final Verdict: 3/10

Special (2006)

The superhero genre is always fascinating, but I find that one of the most interesting parts of this genre is that of the normal, everyday man becoming a superhero (without any powers) in a realistic world. The most famous iteration of this sub-genre is, of course, Kick-Ass, though films such as Super and Defendor also look at this type of superhero. However, before these came around we had Special.

Now, you probably haven’t heard of this film. I don’t think there are that many people who have. According to IMDB the film only grossed $6387 (about £4000). No one went to see this movie. I hadn’t actually seen it until this year due to having watched the films listed beforehand. The only reason why I now own the DVD for it is because it was in Poundland, which usually stocks DVDs for films of an extremely low quality.

Yet I think this film is great. It deserves to be more well known because it is on par with the other films in this sub-genre.

The film concerns Les (Michael Rapaport) who is a fairly ordinary man who signs up for a clinical trial for a new drug called ‘Special.’ Les begins to develop what he thinks are super powers, however he is actually developing an adverse psychological reaction to the drug. Of course, he decides to go and fight crime and that is exactly what he does.

People going into it expecting a dark comedy like Super will be surprised when they get something more along the lines of Defendor. The main character is unhinged and is dangerous to those around him due to his delusions and hallucinations. This creates a lot of complexity in the plot, where we root for Les but are also somewhat fearful of him, not sure what he is going to do next.

Not only this, but halfway through the film goes from darkly comic to just straight up dark, with a fairly upsetting yet triumphant ending. This will probably put many people off, but if you were okay with how dark some of the other films mentioned got at times then it shouldn’t be a problem.

But even if this is slightly off-putting then hopefully the plot itself will be enough. The ideas this film puts forward are simply amazing. It builds up a world of paranoia and deceit in a completely normal world. It shows that even in normal society there is something bigger than we normally see.

We also are shown that the only true super power anyone needs is the confidence and self-esteem to try and change the world and help people. You can be a normal person and still help. You don’t need any special training in anything to make a difference.

This all comes together to make a great cult film. Understated and unknown, it’s a film that deserves to have more popularity. On top of everything else it is wonderfully directed and the acting is great from everyone. I got this from a Poundland. If it’s still in stock I recommend getting it. You are paying far too little for it but at least you will have seen this great film!

Final Verdict: 8/10

Let The Right One In (2008)

Like most people I like vampires. There’s just something about the mythological creatures that is interesting. They are powerful on the outside but they are actually extremely weak. They suffer from bloodlust, seclusion, death by sunlight and countless other things explored in the extensive literature and filmography dedicated to them. There are always hits and misses.

Let The Right One In was one of these hits. It’s extremely popular and sits within IMDB’s Top 250 films.

Yet I have to say I don’t like it.

That’s not to say I hate this Swedish film, I just had issues with it. I’ll save myself a little here from the people who automatically want to kill me because of this by saying the film does have many positives.

For a start it is beautifully shot. Anyone who says it isn’t is a liar. They’d also be a liar if they were to say that the directing is bad, which it isn’t. The film also has a fairly decent plot going on and the vampires in the film are exactly what we like to see from vampire movies. They are the classic blood sucking vampires that die if they go into sunlight and can fly. Perfect.

Sadly, I did find that there were a lot of things that let it down. Though I do say that the plot is decent it is far too spread out. There’s a plot point, then a while of nothingness, then another plot point, then more nothingness. The film just lingers and keeps going without anything happening and when the film is 100 minutes long this just gets boring. This annoyed me as I wanted to get invested in the plot and I wanted to care, but the pacing made it so I couldn’t.

It’s difficult to talk too much about the plot itself as so little seems to happen. What I can gather is that there is a boy who is bullied and a vampire girl, Eli, who has just moved in next door to him. She teaches him to be courageous and they start going out. That’s pretty much it. There’s a subplot about people trying to find who has been killing people (it’s Eli) but it doesn’t really go anywhere.

Then we have the acting. It might be due to the fact this is a foreign film but the acting, in my eyes, was very bad. Not so much for the adults, who weren’t in the film so much, but the two main child actors. Not a single line seemed to be delivered well and the conversations they had made it seem as if they were acting, as opposed to just having an awkward conversation.

I really feel for what this film was going for, I do, but it just didn’t deliver what it set out to do. The people who seem to be the biggest fans of this film appear to be the people who read the book the film is based on. They know more about the events of the film because the book explains a lot more about it. But as someone who knew nothing about the story from before I felt a lot was not explained. A lot seems to be implied, but it is never really shown long enough for you to make sense of it in your head and the film relies too much on interpretation.

I wouldn’t say this film isn’t recommended. Enough people seem fond of it and 98% of critics seem to say it’s a good film so maybe you should check it out. But for me was extremely lacking in most of the things that makes a good film (such as plot), and so I refuse to say that I like Let The Right One In, despite it attaining visual excellence.

Final Verdict: 4/10